Autism

Uncomfortable, Incandescent Joy

Change.  Change makes my mind go haywire.  Change spins my world into chaos, and it drives me to the brink of my patience and capabilities.  My mind becomes foggy, my emotions reign out of control and I become inebriated with fear, anxiety and hazy thinking.  Change is my undoing.

Most everyone I’ve met with Asperger’s agrees that change brings gray into our black and white logic.  It disrupts our routine, and our comfort.  Naturally, my mind does not welcome change.  My mind wants this simple logic, and the structure that comes with routine.

About four years ago, my life had begun to fall into the black and white structure of living that I had craved for all of my life, and although my mind was clear – my spirit lacked joy.  I felt empty in this success.

The changes were small at first. I’d eat something different each day of the week.  Add a new color to my wardrobe.  Grow out my bangs.  Cut inches off my hair.  Paint my nails… they all began as small controlled changes.

Those small changes snowballed into bigger changes.  My spirit cried for more.  My mind cried for regression, it wanted to go back to the old way of living.  These big changes included living independently for the first time in my life.  Cooking for myself.  Managing my own money.  As well as having taken my career into my own hands and navigating the ladder by myself.  I changed my hair style, dyed my hair, wore new clothes, made new friends, and set out to conquer each and every one of my fears. Such as drowning, and convincing a friend to teach me to surf.

It is not logical to live life in a static state of mind.  Things cannot stay the same.  The world continues forward, technology advances, people change, our desires and dreams develop as we progress through life.  Our hearts grow, our horizons expand.

Black and white is beautiful.  Simplicity is beautiful.  But shades of gray and color are astounding beyond any measure of elaboration I could attempt to verbalize or write.  Color is living unabashed, and without apology.  Colored living is limitless, and allows your capabilities to be just so.

Don’t live your life within the comfort and safety of black and white.  Expand.  Grow.  Stretch!  Allow yourself to see shades of gray.  And then, allow yourself to experience color.  Open your world to new experiences.  Some will be bad, most will be good.  Focus on the positives, and how the stretch has developed you into a stronger soul, not just physically, but mentally and emotionally.  Just like the muscles on your body.  Except, in this way, your soul is the muscle being stretched.

The discomfort is temporary and this fleeting pain gives way to unexpected opportunities that lead to the greatest moments, and people, of your life.

There is incandescent joy in the life lived uncomfortably.  This joy, is priceless.

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